


Catharsis

by Jamison



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2019-11-03 20:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17884679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamison/pseuds/Jamison
Summary: This work is not intended to be anti-Clarke or anti-Clexa, but purely a means of me venting out my frustration regarding some tropes I feel exists within the relationship. I do not mean to offend anyone.





	1. Chapter 1

Lexa stared into ocean blue eyes in utter disbelief. She tried very hard to wrap her head around what was happening but seemed to be coming up empty-handed.

 

_“So..”_ , she took a deep breath to steady herself, _“what you’re saying is that its ok for you to do it but not me?”_

 

_“You said you loved me!”_ the fiery blonde screamed. _“How could you do this to me after you professed your love to me!”_

 

_“You said you loved me too Clarke and a week later you went and slept with Niylah!”_ Lexa screamed unable to hold herself back any longer.

 

Clarke was stunned into silence. After several moments she final found her voice. _“Lexa you know we weren’t exclusive then.”_

 

_“Weren’t exclusive?!?”_ Lexa began to laugh deliriously. _“We said we loved each other but we weren’t exclusive!!! What more do you need to be exclusive to someone?”_

 

_“I was scared okay! I was scared of the intensity of my feelings for you! After Finn I never though I would ever fall in love again. But I did and I didn’t know what do!”_

 

_“So instead of talking to me about it you decided to go fuck Niylah and then tell me you wanted to be in an open relationship?”_

 

_“You agreed to it Lexa! So don’t act all innocent”_ Clarke huffed out.

 

_“Agreed?? No Clarke I didn’t agree to it. You said you didn’t want to be committed to me…that you didn’t believe in commitment….I was so blindly in love with you that I couldn’t think of a life where you weren’t with me……I agreed because I thought that maybe if I could make you see how much I truly love you that you would then change your mind….but I was wrong…..I waited for over a year….A whole year of seeing you fuck around with Bellamy, Echo and God knows who else…..A whole year of thinking this would stop…….it didn’t.”_

 

_“Well I have changed my mind now! I want to be exclusive…..I don’t want you to be with anyone else,”_ Clarke declared.

 

Lexa closed her eyes trying to keep her emotions in check. _‘This is not the time to break down’_.

 

_“I don’t.”_

 

_“What?”_ Clarke was baffled.

 

_“After a year of enduring this toxic relationship the first time I think of actually being with someone else is when you decide you want commitment. Well I have news for you Miss Griffin, I don’t want exclusivity anymore. I think we have come to the end of this arrangement.”_

_“Arrangement?”_

_“I can’t call it a relationship….it wasn’t one. Goodbye Clarke.”_

 

_“You’re kidding me! Lexa you love me…..you can’t break up with me.”_

 

_“I do. I love you very much. But you don’t love me. I am more like a placeholder….someone to come home to cause you don’t want to be alone. And I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me like I want them. You’ve taken me for granted for too long…..I can’t let this go on any longer. I hope you find peace Clarke even if it isn’t with me.”_

 

With that Lexa walked out to their apartment towards a better future.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months after the break-up, Lexa has a run-in with 'the gang'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone for their support. I truly appreciate it.

The hammering in her head wouldn’t stop and non-stop chirping from her phone just made it worse. She tried to drown it out, but it wasn’t working. Ultimately, she resigned herself to the fate of not getting anymore sleep for the day. Opening her eyes, she noticed she wasn’t in her own bed. She looked around to figure out where she was and how she got there.

_“Hey! You’re up early….I thought after the amount you drank last night you’d be out like a light till mid-morning”,_ came a sultry voice from behind her.

She turned around to face the owner of the voice, _“Costia?”_

_“Are you wondering how you got here?”_ she asked with a gleam of mischief in her eyes.

_“If you could refresh my memory that would be nice.”_

_“I would love to, but it would be better if you put on some clothes…just so I don’t get distracted.”_

Lexa looked down to see she was indeed buck naked and her clothes from the previous night were neatly and kept at the foot of the bed. She got up to retrieve them all the while knowing that Costia’s eyes were on her. Had it been a few months ago she may have felt uncomfortable under her gaze but having spent as much time as she had with the lady in question, she felt more at ease than she had in a long time. In fact, she was feeling kinda cocky that she could captivate Costia like that. Made her feel good about herself.

Once she was done getting dressed, Costia suggested they talk over breakfast which she gladly agreed to, suddenly realising she was damn hungry.

_“So now will you tell me how we ended up at your place and not mine?”_ Lexa asked midway through breakfast.

_“Well that’s what the plan was……..We met at the Grounders……you said the Editor said your new book was sure to be a bestseller…you wanted to celebrate….we were almost close to drinking the night away when this really fiery brunette came over with this hulk of a guy…..they said somethings….I think they said something about a miserable clock….I was kinda buzzed by then so I don’t really remember…..but you were really sad after they left and kept saying that you don’t want to go home cause they’ll come to hound you……so we decided to come here.”_

_“It was Clarke. Not clock.”_

_“What?”_

_“Octavia….the brunette….she must have said something about Clarke.”_

_“Oh! You mean your ex…..yeah…that makes more sense….I had some serious Cogsworth vibes from that conversation!”_

That brought a smile to Lexa’s face. Costia really knew how to lighten things up. That was one of the reasons why they had gotten together. After the roller-coaster that had been her relationship with Clarke, Costia was like a breath of fresh air.

_“You gotta lay-off Disney for a while Cos.”_

_“Never!”_ came the indignant reply.

_“Anyhow….I need to get going….”_

_“You sure Lex? You can stay here as long as you like….after all the time we’ve spent together I’d like to think that there is some sort of friendship between us.”_

_“There is…..you truly are a good friend Costia…..actually I think you may just be my only friend right now…..but I can’t stay away from my own home out of fear of confrontation….I have to go back.”_

_“Do you want me to go with you?”_

_“Thanks but no I gotta deal with this myself..”_ and with that determination Lexa made her way back home.

                                                                                -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

On her way back home, she had checked her phone to see numerous missed calls and messages from Octavia, Raven Lincoln and Anya. She didn’t particularly feel like reading them. She couldn’t imagine them being anything nice. When she arrived home, the coast was clear. She felt a mix of relief and disappointment. She had pumped herself up for confrontation but at the same time wasn’t really looking forward to it. She could still feel the remnants of her hangover.

She had just got out after taking a steaming hot shower, when he heard frantic knocking on her door which turned into persistent banging within seconds. She cautiously made her way to the corridor connecting her bedroom to the living room when she heard, _“I know you in there Woods! Now open the door before I blow it up!”_

She rolled her eyes. _‘Of course, the battalion was here.’_ She opened the door and Raven charged in, followed by the rest.

_“You’ve got some nerve Woods! You think you can just break up with Clarke out of the blue and go fuck around with some whore and there won’t be any consequences!”_ the Latina lashed out.

_“I though when I told you off last night that would knock some sense into you and you would grovel your way back to Clarke…..but it seems like you’re more of a dickhead than I though you were”,_ Octavia took over.

_“Lex….this isn’t you…..you love Clarke……why are you doing this?”_ Lincoln, ever the peace maker spoke up.

_“You’ve really done it this time squirt! I always though you’re like this lame, useless lesbian who was too clueless to get a girl and then you got Clarke and blew it!”_ Anya concluded the collective group rant.

Lexa took a breath to steady herself.

_“Wow! You guys are so full of shit! You the fuck do you think you are that you could just barge in here and rant at me like that!”_

Turning to Raven and Octavia, she continued, _“I know you think that the sun shines out of Clarke’s ass but that’s not true. Your princess is no saint. You think you can just go at me cause I was with someone else? Well, newsflash – WE BROKE UP! I can be with whoever I want. What I don’t get is that you think its appropriate to berate me for hooking up with someone even though I am single and completely at liberty to do so…..but you never once went after Clarke when she slept around with other people while we were still together?!? She fucked your brother O and never once did you object to it. In fact, if I remember correctly you justified it as acceptable cause they knew each other for so long that it was bound to happen and I that I should just forget about it!”_

_“That’s different!”_ Octavia huffed out. _“Clarke’s just was very vulnerable then. After Finn and her dad…she was having a tough time.”_

_“Her relationship with Finn had ended three years ago. Her dad had been dead for ten years when she slept with Bellamy. We had been dating for six months then and instead of coming to me if she was going through some kind of problem, she chose to cheat on me. She and you guys can’t keep using her dad and Finn as an excuse every time she screws up.”_

_“It wasn’t cheating. You weren’t together”_ Raven said.

_“Exactly! Just like I have done nothing wrong. We aren’t together.”_

“ _Yeah but..” “Shut up!”_ Lexa spit out effectively shutting up Octavia. _“I know you’re Clarke’s cronies, but this is my home…..I have dealt with your incorrigible behaviour long enough….you have taken any opportunity you could you bully me….threaten me….make fun of me….and I let it happen…..NOT ANYMORE! You speak when I tell you to or you can get out right now!”_  

Pin drop silence. _“Good. Now you two,”_ she turned to her two cousins. _“I have always looked up to you guys. You were like a mentor to me Anya and I love you like an older brother Linc. But in reality you’re just a two pussy-whipped assholes……now I know love can make you do many things…..but if the person you love makes you turn your back to your own family then are they really worth it……you two come in here telling me I have made a mistake breaking up with Clarke…..but no one knows as well as you do how miserable I was with her….”_

Anya and Lincoln had both donned identical expressions of guilt and sadness.

_“Anya….before you got together with Raven you hated Clarke…..hated that she had that kind of control over me…hated how much pain her actions and behaviour caused me….but after you had a taste of Raven’s cunt all of sudden Clarke wasn’t that appalling to you….and Linc…..you were the one who had told me that if I wasn’t happy I shouldn’t force myself to be in a relationship where I wasn’t valued…..what happened to that?”_

_“Lex….I…uh…”_ _“Don’t…..there is nothing you could say that could change the fact that you turned your back on your own family.”_

After minutes of stifling passed by, Lexa again spoke up. _“Right…well…..I think you lot have definitely overstayed your welcome……I like you for you to get out now.”_

_“Hey…wait” “You can’t do that”,_ the two cronies spoke up.

_“I can and I will….and if you don’t leave while I am asking you nicely I will not think twice about calling the cops on you…..Oh and if you ever show up here unannounced I will also call the cops on you then……actually I think I’ll just get a restraining order against the bunch of you.”_

_“Lexa that’s really not needed.” “Lexie…come on you can’t be serious!”_ said the treacherous family.

_“It may be a bit much but then again I really don’t want have to deal with you anywhere and since you have issues with refraining ourselves from overstepping boundaries…..it may just be necessary….I’ll think about it….but for now….GET OUT!”_

The group scrambled to get out the door, even pushing past each other’s significant others in a quest to be the first out the door.

Once again, the apartment returned to its state of normalcy but this time round there was a feeling of lightness. Lexa finally felt like a burden had been lifted off her chest and she could maybe take steps in rebuilding the confidence that she had lost.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks or your continued support!

She was down two bottles of wine and had now cracked open the Jim Beam. But even that wasn’t able to numb her mind. This was a first. Usually she’d be out of her senses by now or at least so far gone that she wouldn’t remember what she was upset about. Tonight, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get the green eyes out of her mind. The eyes that would light up with love and affection just at the sight of her. The eyes that held the utmost sincerity every time she said she loved her. The same eyes that had looked at her with unbridled pain and devastation the first time she had hurt her. And it was that look that kept flashing before her.

Clarke knew she had messed up the first time when she had slept with Niylah barely a week after confessing her true feelings to Lexa. Truth was, she had scared herself. What no one knew was that it wasn’t her break-up with Finn that had tuned her away from love, it was her relationship with the floppy-haired man that had done the original damage. Finn was a cheater, but she was so in love with him, she couldn’t bring herself to leave him and he knew that and welded it as a weapon against her. It took her a long time to convince herself to get out of that relationship and while she had managed to eventually free herself of Finn, she wasn’t the same Clarke anymore. She never shared her traumatic experiences with anyone, not even her closest friends and slowly began to build a wall around her heart. She figured if she didn’t let anyone get close, they couldn’t hurt her.

But what she had not accounted for was someone like Lexa coming along. Someone who was strong but compassionate, shy yet confident, and was possibly the most caring person she had ever known. She knew Lexa was special from the moment she laid eyes on her and the more she got to know her, the more Clarke was aware that she wouldn’t be able to keep her walls up for long. And then it happened, Lexa asked her out. They began seeing each other. A few dates turned into a regular things and dating turned into a relationship. Though neither had acknowledged it up till then, but to Clarke, Lexa was her girlfriend.

She clearly remembers the most special night of her life, the night she had told Lexa she loved her. It was their date night. They had gone to a nice restaurant for dinner and then for a walk in the park. They ended up at Lexa’s place. She’d always liked Lexa’s place better than her own. It wasn’t too big but was cosy. A true embodiment of the writer herself, neat and organized but also comfortable. After hours of passionate lovemaking, while Lexa cuddled her in her arms whispering sweet nothings, it dawned on Clarke that this was exactly how she had always wanted her life to be. The sudden realization caused the words to just slip out, and she had wanted to hide under the blankets and never come out. But when she dared to look at Lexa, she was met with the biggest smile before the brunette tackled her onto her back and reciprocated her feelings both verbally and physically.

And that’s when everything went downhill. Four days later, when Lexa had gone to visit her parents in Philadelphia, she was at the Grounders with her friends and had a run in with Finn. He didn’t miss out on the opportunity to remind her that she was worthless, and no one could truly love her like he did. It was enough to cause her to spiral, resulting in her going home with Niylah that night. Come morning she had realized what she had done and had wanted nothing more than to turn back time and undo it. Her first instinct was to hide what had happened. It was a shitty thing to do but Lexa was the best thing to have happened to her. The losing her wasn’t an option for Clarke.

But luck wasn’t on her side. Lexa had returned one day early to surprise her but was on the receiving end of a pretty nasty surprise herself. A naked Niylah in Clarke’s bed with a barely clothed Clarke standing next to her was enough for Lexa to piece together what had happened. The look of unbridled pain and devastation, the very first one, which would remain etched in Clarke’s memory for a long time, were in those green eyes. Lexa had rushed out of Clarke’s apartment. Clarke had tried to give chase but was stopped by Niylah in time to realize that she was barely clothed. By the time she had got to Lexa’s apartment she was nowhere to be seen. Instead she was met with Anya who was about ready to knock her lights out and Lincoln who was trying his best to hold her back. She frantically searched everywhere for her. All of Lexa’s favourite haunts but couldn’t find her.

Reluctantly, she had gone back home, only to find Lexa waiting for her at her doorstep. She had wanted to wrap her up in her arms and never let go, but something about Lexa’s posture had held her back. In barely audible voice, Lexa told her she told her that she loved her and understood that what she did was a mistake but was willing to work through it if Clarke promised that it would never again. That should have been music to Clarke’s ears, but it was in that moment that she knew how the tables had turned. She had become the Finn in their relationship. Lexa was so blindly in love with her that she was willing to be with her no matter the cost.

In hindsight, she should have just talked to Lexa. Clear everything out, but in that moment, it seemed it felt like she needed to end things. She couldn’t let Lexa suffer like she had and the only thing that she could think of was ask for an open relationship. Even though every fibre in her being told her not to do it, she still went ahead and said that she didn’t want to exclusive. To be tied down to just one person. Lexa had looked like she had been slapped across the face. Clarke had desperately wanted to take back everything she said, but knew she had to stick to her guns. It was for the best. For Lexa.

But she had underestimated Lexa’s feelings for her. Lexa had agreed to the arrangement and that had been Clarke’s undoing. From then on it was like Clarke was on a mission to get Lexa to see that they weren’t meant to be together. But every time, Clarke hurt her, she was still by her side. Until she wasn’t.

Subconsciously, she knew the day would eventually come when she would lose Lexa to someone else. After all that is what she had wanted, but when it actually happened, she couldn’t let go. Suddenly, she was willing to give Lexa everything she wanted. Everything she should have done in the first place. But too little, too late. Lexa didn’t want her anymore. Clarke Griffin had effectively ruined her own life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's realisation and confrontation with Raven and Octavia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the people who commented. I wanted to get this chapter out as soon as possible, so couldn't reply to them. But I will soon. Thank you for your support!

_“Clarke! CLAAAARKE! Claaaarkey!!! Where the hell are you?!?!”_

Raven and Octavia came bundling into Clarke’s apartment like they had done a million times before, with no regards for personal boundaries or acceptable behaviour. There used to be a time when it would piss off Clarke, but she had learnt to deal with and over time it had become a standardized thing. Probably why she couldn’t understand why Lexa would get upset when her two friends would turn up at their apartments unannounced, barge into their alone time and whisk Clarke away from her.

When Raven had sneakily made a copy of Lexa’s apartment keys without her consent, Clarke thought it was funny. Couldn’t wrap her head around why Lexa was mad. It wasn’t like Raven was going to steal from her. She was just Clarke goofy and eccentric friend who thing goofy and eccentric things. Just like she couldn’t get why Lexa had been so sad and heartbroken when Clarke had defended Octavia for constantly being mean to her. Clarke was Octavia best friend, had been since they were in diapers. So, it was natural for her to vet anyone Clarke dated. What Clarke turned a blind eye to was that the vetting was mostly bullying and ridicule. Taunting Lexa about her years in foster homes, telling her how she was not good enough for Clarke, how Clarke was only keeping her around because she was an easy lay. Clarke deluded herself into thinking it was all in good fun. Her friends were not really bad people, they just cared about her a lot. She didn’t see it then. She could see it clearly now.

_“There you are! We’ve been looking all over for you!”_

Broken out of her thoughts, Clarke slowly turned around her kitchen island and came face to face with her two friends. Her ride or die bitches. And for the first time in her life, she felt no affection for them. Just anger. Unrestrained anger.

_“Do you not know how to knock?”_

_“Whoa! What are you talking about Griff? We never knock.,”_ came the Latina’s reply.

_“Yeah. That’s why we have a key,”_ said the other brunette.

That comment seemed to spark something in the blonde and before they knew it, she was in their face and furiously yelling at them.

_“I never gave you a key to my apartment! You took it without my permission! I let you have for emergencies, not for just barging in whenever you feel like it!”_

The sudden outburst had stunned both brunettes into silence. It took some long moments of silence before the shorter of the two recovered.

_“Clarke…..we didn’t mean to upset you….we just wanted to check up on you.”_

_“Yeah…we know how torn up you were after your breakup with Lexa,”_ Raven chimed in. _“Although, I don’t understand why. I mean you could do so much better than her babe…..and come to think of it….now that her whiny ass is out of the way….we could all have some much needed fun….especially you Clarkey…..God knows you need someone who could give it to you good…..you know not just some lousy lay like…”_

_“GET OUT!”_

_“Wha..”_

_“I said get out….both of you…”_

_“Clarke…..what is wrong with you?”_ Octavia said

_“Are you drunk?”_ Raven added on.

_“I wish I was…but I’m not….I am not going to stand here and listen to the two of you bad mouth Lexa….so leave before I do something I will regret.”_

_“Wait wait……you’re telling us to get out because of her?”_ Octavia asked. _“For the loser that cheated on you and then dumped?!?”_

_“Octavia if you say one more word against Lexa, I will personally drag you out of my home.”_

_“Wow! You would choose her above us? After everything she did to you?”_

_“She never did anything to me. All she did was love me…and I ruined it…I ruined everything.”_ Clarke couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and it felt like a dam had burst within her and crashed to the floor sobbing. Her friends were by her side in seconds, wrapping her up in their arms and trying to calm her down, but she couldn’t stop.

_“Oh Clarke…..please tell us what really happened….please”_

_“I cheated on her…..I told her I want a open relationship cause I was scared of getting hurt…..I loved her……but I pushed her away….I kept hurting her cause I wanted her to leave me…..I had this masochistic idea that if I hurt her before she could hurt me then I would be saving myself….saving my heart from being broken again…..but every time I hurt her…she never left my side…..never cheated on me…….until she couldn’t take it anymore……I want her back…I wan…”_ The uncontrollable sobs wouldn’t let her speak anymore.

_“Oh my God! Clarke…..I…..we had no idea…..but why would you do this…..you were always so blasé with her we just assumed that she was desperate to be with and you were only in it for the heck of it…..you never told us how strongly you felt for her……why would you do that?”_ Raven asked.

_“Finn”_

_“Finn….what does he have to do with it?”_

_“He….he was emotionally abusive with me…he made me believe that I wasn’t good enough…he cheated on me all the time……told me I was good for nothing and that no one but him could ever love me…..I had loved him so dearly….I truly believed what he said.”_

_“Clarke! What! Why didn’t you ever tell us any of this? We all thought that you guys mutually broke up….that’s why we all stayed in touch with him too…..had we known he was such a douchebag we would have never let him come near you again……hell I would have nuked him! In fact, I think I will do it now!”_ said the fiery Latina.

_“No Raven, you won’t. Finn is an ass hat, but we’ll deal with him later. Right now, we need to be here for Clarke,”_ said Octavia.

_“Right…right…so what happened Grifferster?”_

_“I did eventually breakup with him but I was so ashamed….I felt humiliated that I had let him treat me that way….I just couldn’t tell anyone the truth…..he took every opportunity he got to remain of how weak I am.”_

_“Oh sweetheart! You know that’s not true…..you’re a great person…..so compassionate and caring…..and a heck of a good friend.”_ Octavia tried to convince the friend.

_“No….I am not…..if I was I wouldn’t have done what I did to Lexa……In order to avoid being hurt by someone like Finn again….I became him….I am just like him.”_ Clarke said through her tears.

_“Clarke….listen to me,”_ Raven took Clarke’s face in her hands and gently whispered to her, _“you are a good person….something bad happened to you….yes…you’ve done shitty things but that doesn’t make you bad.”_

_“And you said Lexa loves you like crazy….I mean she has to if she stuck around even after the shit you out her through…..and I know we been assholes to her too…..but I promise we’ll be better….she loves you….if you tell her the truth she’ll take you back,”_ Octavia said.

_“NO! No I won’t do that!”_

_“But why? You said you love her…..that you want her back……then why not?”_ asked Raven.

_“I do love her….and I want her back…..I want nothing more than to be with her again…..but I can’t do that….not now…..not like this……if there can ever be any future for us…..then I have to get better.”_

It was true. Clarke knew if she told Lexa everything now, Lexa would at least forgive her, even if she didn’t take her back. But that’s not Clarke needed, even if it was something she most desperately wanted. She needed to heal first. For her sake. For Lexa’s sake. For the sake of any future they could ever possibly have.

_“Guys….I think I need to see a therapist.”_


End file.
